The title of today's entry is the name of a pop song by Kelly Clarkson, the first American Idol winner. In it, she sings about how her life would suck without the man in her life.
Well, my life would suck without Him.
As a youth growing up, I used to have lots of acne and pockmarks, so much so that I was given the nickname "Sor Tar Bing" or "Crackers Face" because my face resembled the cream cracker with its many hills and valleys.
As a form of escapism, I would thus withdraw into the world of secular pop music (hence my fabulous knowledge of the music of the 1980s from A-Ha to ZZ Top).
I also did not do too well in my Sec 2 exams and as a result did not make it to the pure science classes. From then on, I could not follow my dad's footsteps to become a doctor.
I wasn't quite a ladies' man either. There was this girl that I admired whom I heard had broken off with her boyfriend, so I thought I could get her on the rebound. Alas, when I saw them both back together again, I was devastated.
I was also quite a weakling when I entered the Army, and nearly decided to end it all in March 1986 when I felt like everything was against me -- I was a failure in looks, a failure in studies, a failure in love, a failure in physique.
Yet, God in His wonderful mercy, prevented me from taking my own life. What He used to hold me back was my 3-month old driver's licence. You can read about that near-death testimony here.
Recently, there was a story about someone who seemed to have everything going for him. He was good-looking, came from a good family, did extremely well in his studies, was well-built and had lots of friends. Yet, he found that life sucked and decided to end it all.
These were the final sentences in what was believed to be his farewell email:
"I do not believe in an afterlife, or a God. Death should be final and absolute. In my time away from home, I have come to reinforce my belief that all ideologies, religions and dogmata of our day are merely facades with which to perpetuate our lives. I have no sufficient investment or interest in any such temporal or spiritual thinking, and this is the main thrust of my decision to pass from the world. I die happy, at peace, almost eager to see what comes next, if anything at all."I do not, nor am I in any position to, judge him because I myself had contemplated suicide.
What I do know is that my life would have sucked if not for Jesus. But now with Jesus, and the abundant life He has promised, I look forward to each day because I know He will fill them with qarah moments where I am positioned at the right place at the right time. Amen?
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2 comments:
I read that guy's suicide note in Mandarin and felt so sad. He was my very close friend's close friend and was one of those whom he sent the email directly to pre-suicide.
She was devastated and sms-ed me from Taiwan - WHY? He had everything. I mean everything!!
He apparently was a believer so will grace forgive what he said or is it the end all for him?
I remembered I was translating the Mandarin version of the email to Ian (courtesy of Wan Bao) and we were both deeply saddened and incredulous by what he said in that particular passage you extracted from it. It showed how spiritually anorexic he was and how being a smart kid doesn't naturally mean being a tenacious one (read: high EQ). =p
Ian couldn't understand how a person who just denounced the existence of God and eternal life can be eager to see what comes next if anything at all. It just did not make sense.
To date, my close friend has watched 3 of her close friends committ suicide. She too was toeing that line for the longest time, and after a lot of TLC and encouragement and prayers, she has really found her place in Christ. She msged us recently:
"AMEN! I believe in that!!! I pray for you guys everyday you know!!!!! I read the Word and pray and then I take communion and pray and now,im clearer and clearer with what i have to do. Without God there is nothing!"
AMEN!
That God-sized void can only be filled by God... filling it with human romance, monetary success or a fantastic career just is not enough.
Oh and just to add...
When I was 15, ostracised, molested, depressed, misunderstood, dabbling in new age garbage... I sat on the edge of my window one night, just wanting to end my life.
It was 2 or 3 am in the morning, my door was lock and I was alone in my room crying my heart out because I was just so broken up inside.
I got ready to let go and all the thoughts in my head said - it's for the better. Your parents will eventually be happier since they fight mostly about you, your boyfriend will move on somehow, everything will return to normal after a while. And you won't have to suffer this crap anymore. Just let go.
I was going to when I felt something pull me back from behind.
I landed on the bed in shock as I realised what I had almost done.
I believe it was the angels that Psalm 91 speaks about that pulled me back. I prayed Psalm 91 and 23 a lot as a youth and could even memorize it.
My struggle with depression was a long and ardous one, and finding out I was preggers out of wedlock seemed to be the straw to break the camel's back. BUT God takes what is meant to stumble us and turns it into a blessing.
Today I look at my son and I praise God. Being loved and loving that little one has brought me closer to Jesus, to my parents and blessed my life with so much joy and hope and little lessons on faith.
GOD is good and if you are reading this and contemplating suicide, HANG ON! You can overcome it and you will, and when you do, you will be in a better place than you were before. HUGS!
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